Personalizing: A Common Thinking Mistake

Your boss calls a staff meeting and remarks that some employees have not been performing up to agency standards. You immediately think the boss is talking about you. You flip through your mental files to the times when you contributed extra time and effort to a project. You feel angry and resentful that your boss does not appreciate your work.

You are caught in a traffic jam. You are the King of the Automobile Kingdom and someone has dared to cut in front of you. You lay on the horn and rage about the jerk.
In both cases you are guilty of a common thinking error called personalizing, interpreting the comments and behaviors of others as an attack on your worth, your ability, or your domain.

When greeting voters, former mayor of New York Edward Koch used to shout: "How am I doing?" His supporters would yell back, "Great!" We don't all ask that question so blatantly, but we ask it covertly in many ways. We monitor our approval rating as closely as any politician. In the book The Ten Dumbest Mistakes Smart People Make, Dr. Arthur Freeman calls this trait the Me-Scanner, whose function is to scan for negative opinions about "me." This sensitive machine must be set just right. You would be wise to avoid those who set it too low, who have no ability to recognize or be affected by criticism. These folks are called sociopaths, having no sense of guilt or responsibility. Those who set their Me-Scanners to high will feel quivers all the time. Like a seismograph that can detect the slightest tremor of the earth from hundreds of miles away, these people can perceive an insult from across the ocean and suffer a variety of negative results.

  • Personalizing causes unnecessary hurt. Everything is not personal. If your daughter does not like the new way you prepared the green beans, it does not mean that she does not like you nor that she is unappreciative of your preparing meals. When you feel insulted when no personal insult was intended, the hurt you feel is self-inflicted.
  • Personalizing wastes energy. If you have a tendency to take things personally, you probably devote a lot of time to mulling over the perceived attacks and deciding how to respond. This can be exhausting and leave inadequate energy for more productive pursuits.
  • Personalizing reduces opportunities. If Michael Jordan had taken his cut from the ninth grade basketball team personally, he might have said, "The coach hates me! He thinks I'm a terrible player, so I must be! I'm through with basketball!" If a perceived rejection causes you to lose your sense of worth or to give up, you may never realize your potential.

What if the insult is truly intended? You are still better off to assume that the comment or action is not personal. You will be better equipped to strategize a response if you are not hurt and angry. Personalizing is an automatic reaction and the key to reducing the problems it causes is to stop and analyze the situation.

1. Recall precisely and factually what was said and done. There is a huge difference between your boss saying, "You really need to take a break," in a caring, concerned manner and saying, "You really need to take a break!" in a critical, sarcastic way. Don't add words or a sarcastic tone to an innocent remark.

2. Check for validity. Is it possible that you really could improve some area of your performance at work? Is it likely that an unknown driver truly desired to tick you off?

3. Look for any other explanation. The goal is not to disprove a personal insult beyond a doubt, but to be aware of other plausible explanations. Maybe your boss has no problems with your performance, but just didn't want to single anyone out. Maybe those curry-vinaigrette green beans really do taste horrid.

By following these three steps, you will avoid many painful feelings, learn to give people the benefit of the doubt, and be more willing to explore opportunities.

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