| Listening, and listening well, is one of the greatest gifts
we can offer. Crisis counselors and debriefers have long known that listening
is a primary function of their work. When someone experiences a traumatic
event, cognitive function diminishes significantly as the senses heighten
to prepare the body to fight or flee. Not surprisingly, initial impressions
are often disjointed and the affected person stays locked in the trauma
as time stands still. When that person can construct a logical, sequential
narrative of what happened, the brain can begin to make sense of it and
store it as memory, a thing of the past instead of a present reality.
Put simply, listening to people's stories can help them heal. |
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Even the most respected listener must work to avoid the following common
listening mistakes:
- Planning ahead. "Planners" miss a lot of information because
they are planning ahead for what they will say when you pause. They
may hear the first few words, but then their brains are off to the
races, composing a response that is not based on the entirety of what
you said. Intended or not, the message is that what you have to say
is not as important as what they have to say.
- Interrupting. "Interrupters" may be impatient "planners,"
but more often than not they are just impulsive (maybe compulsive)
talkers. They seem to be perched and ready to jump in at any moment
and you find yourself talking faster and faster to beat the clock.
It is exhausting trying to get a point across, a sort of verbal fencing.
Again, the message is that their words supercede yours in importance.
- Listening only to the words. "Literal listeners" miss out
on the fine nuances of communication and often cannot detect the true
message. Research shows that of the messages we receive from face-to-face
communication, only seven percent is based on what is said; voice
inflection and visual cues provide us with the other 93 percent. Most
people know that if someone with clenched fists and jaws says they
are not angry, they really are. Literal listeners will take them at
their word.
- Under-reacting or over-reacting. "Under-reactors" are sometimes
so blank-faces and unblinking that you have the urge to take their
pulse. It's like talking to the proverbial blank wall. These folks
may be good at poker, but they don't provide the feedback that lets
you know you are heard. On the other hand, "over-reactors" take empathy
to a new dimension. It is disarming to have someone weep when you
describe your sorrow or become enraged on your behalf. You find yourself
toning down or stopping your story to spare them the anguish.
- One-upping. "One-uppers" steal your stories and make them
their own, only better. If your son was momentarily knocked out by
a baseball pitch, her son was in a coma for three months, hit by a
flying sledgehammer. If your daughter shook hands with the President
at a political rally, his daughter had a lengthy private audience
with the pope in which he sought her advice on papal matters. There
is no room for being heard or validated by "one-uppers."
Effective listeners seek clarity by rephrasing what has been said
("If I understand you correctly, you said…") and by searching for the
feelings behind the words ("You feel that…."); if their perceptions
are incorrect, the speaker can then correct them. Effective listeners
help the speaker know that what is being said is important, by offering
encouraging words, nods, smiles, and eye contact. When people come to
us with their pain or their joy, we are given a priceless opportunity
to see into their hearts, to show them that they are understood and
valued.
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