Distinguishing Between Healthy and Unhealthy Guilt Healthy, constructive guilt is what results when a person has done something or is thinking of doing something he or she rationally believes is unfair or morally wrong. It is an inevitable consequence of a reasonable and fair conscience. It prevents us from doing things that are hurtful or unjust and leads us to seek forgiveness when have been unfair or injurious. However, there is a form of guilt that is entirely different, that is unhealthy and destructive. It does not allow for mistakes and can create terrible suffering and shame.
It exists when people have not actually done anything wrong or when whatever they have done does not warrant the intensity or duration of the guilt. Suppose two women, Jane and Mary, both unwisely overreact to her 6 year-old's misbehavior by screaming at the child and raising her hand as if to hit the child. Jane feels guilty and immediately apologizes. She tells her child she was wrong to react so aggressively and that the two of them will address the misbehavior later, once she has cooled down. In her cooling down period, she realizes that she has been overwhelmed lately with all of her parenting, household and job duties and begins to explore ways to simplify her life so she can avoid the unwelcome behavior that stress often brings. Later she disciplines the child in a loving but firm manner.
Mary also feels guilty, but apologizes ad nauseum. She, too, is overwhelmed, but cannot make that connection. She only feels she is a worthless person who is unable to perform her duties without "losing it." She does not address the misbehavior because she has blocked it out. All she can see in the video that plays over and over in her mind's eye is her own out-of-control posture and the fear in her child's eye. She believes she has permanently scarred her child and carries this with her for a very long time. She becomes very timid in her discipline. It is not difficult to see which child was harmed most. Jane's healthy guilt was solution-oriented and led her to explore what was best for not only her, but also the child. Mary's toxic guilt was over reactive, problem-oriented, and led to her being stuck in shame. It was also self-centered; it was "all about her" instead of what would most benefit the child, because no child benefits from a guilt-ridden parent or one that is afraid to discipline. What can a person do about unhealthy guilt? Check the validity of the guilt. What have you done or failed to do and what moral principles have you violated? Was it just an urge, or did you act? Were the circumstances partly to blame? And if you did something bad does that automatically mean you're a bad person? Check your expectations of yourself. Are you making unreasonable demands of yourself, such as expecting yourself to never become angry or impatient with your children, spouse, friends, or others? Are you a perfectionist? Check your explanations for your own behavior. Destructive guilt implies a high level of responsibility, but a very low level of control. In other words, "I'm responsible, but I have no control over my life or the choices I make." The explanations for constructive guilt also acknowledge responsibility, but an ability to change for the better as well. Author and research psychologist Alan Kaufman recommends we replace useless, harmful guilt we have about the past with a keen sense of social responsibility for the present and the future. Notice the difference: