Forgiveness is a Gift

Forgiveness is a complicated issue, based on many variables:  Who is to be forgiven?  For what?  Has the other party asked for forgiveness?  And when do you forgive?
I remember watching news coverage after a school shooting.  Fellow students were hanging signs that simply said, “We forgive you.”  Is it truly possible, I wondered, to forgive someone so quickly, particularly after such a heinous act, when that person has neither asked to be forgiven nor expressed the slightest remorse?  Award-winning author and psychologist Robert Karen, Ph.D., addresses premature forgiveness in “The Forgiving Self: The Road from Resentment to Connection.”  He states, “Many people hold on to a grudge because it offers the illusion of power and a perverse feeling of security.  But in fact we are all held hostage by our anger.  It is never too late to forgive, but we can forgive too soon.  I am especially wary of what I call ‘saintly forgiveness.’  Premature forgiveness is common among people who avoid conflict.  They are afraid of their own anger and the anger of others.  But their forgiveness is false.  Their anger goes underground.”  The art of authentic forgiveness involves timing and honesty about your readiness to move beyond the offense,
To forgive a person does not mean that they are not responsible for the wrong nor does it meant the he or she can be trusted in the future.  In fact, it does not even necessarily involve telling the other person.  Forgiveness also does not mean turning the other cheek; if the person is capable of harming again, you must protect yourself.  Forgiveness does not always lead to a healed relationship.  Sometimes the most judicious course of action is to release that person from your life, just as you release the anger and resentment.  Wish them no harm, but let them go.      Forgiveness is a choice to not allow your heart or your life to be damaged by someone’s actions, including your own.  Forgiving oneself is just as vital to well being.  Like forgiveness of others, forgiveness of self does not imply that you are not responsible – it means that you realize you would have acted differently had you already learned the lessons you now have learned from your mistakes.  As the saying goes, experience is what we get right after we need it.      In “Forgiving Yourself and Others,”  psychotherapist Arlene Harder offers a practice exercise for forgiveness. 1.  Imagine the person who has offended you is standing in front of you as he was when he said or did something hurtful. 2.  Say something like this:  “When you said or did_________, I was hurt and angry.  I would have preferred you_________.  But you did not.  When I think about what you said or did, I have let myself feel anger, resentment, bitterness and pain.  I have held onto my demand that you should have said or done something different.  I no longer choose to hold onto the tension and hurt that accompanies my memory of what you said or did.”      “Therefore, I cancel the demands, expectations and conditions I placed on you that you should have_________.  You are totally responsible for your own actions.”      “I now send my love or, if that word is too strong,  acceptance to you as a human being, just as you were and are now.” 3.  Imagine that your love (or acceptance) is going out to the other person.  Take time to experience how your body and mind feel when you release the conditions you placed on this person to be someone he did not know how to be or, for whatever reason, chose not to be.        This exercise recognizes the amount of power we have over other people’s actions – zero.  While you can have strong preferences that someone behave in a certain way, you cannot control another person no matter how much you demand they act as you want them to, and no matter how reasonable those expectations seem to you.        In the end, forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself.  It provides freedom from the burdens of resentment or anger and allows us to see the world and live our lives from a healthier place.