Dealing With Criticism

No one is surrounded only by people who constantly tell him or her how wonderful he or she is. Like it or not, we are all subject to criticism and we react with varying degrees of sensitivity. One factor, described in the Freeman and DeWolf book, "The Ten Dumbest Mistakes Smart People Make," is the tuning fork factor. When struck, a tuning fork vibrates and gives off sound.  It is possible to hit one tuning fork, hold it near another same-frequency one, and the second one will start vibrating, too.  This phenomenon, known as sympathetic vibration, is similar to how people react to criticism.  They do not react to all criticism the same way and only begin to “vibrate” if the criticism relates to an especially sensitive area of life.
Whether the insecurity is about love, looks, or career – the tuning fork is set at that frequency and just one  word or look can set off a serious reaction.  Broad scale insecurity can produce such sensitivity that almost any critical comment sounds like blanket condemnation.  “You look nice today,”  translates into, “You look pretty bad most other days.”  A simple question, “Are you going to apply for that job?” becomes, “Get off your bum, you lazy unemployed slob.”
As we get older, we gradually learn to sort out criticism that is constructive from that which is destructive and hurtful.  The following tips may be helpful to that process:   §      Wait before responding to criticism.  Do not react right away; keep your ego in check.  Though it is often tempting to retaliate or deny the criticism immediately,  give yourself some time to check out the validity of the criticism and save yourself from the embarrassment of poor behavior or from discovering the other person was right.  Simply say, “You know, I would like some time to think about that.  I’ll get back to you later.” §      Evaluate the criticism.  Ask yourself several questions.  Who is offering it and is the person qualified to do so?  It is easier to consider a criticism of parenting skills if it comes from someone who has successfully raised children than from someone who has no children.  What do you know about the character of the criticizer?  Is this someone who would attempt to hurt you or someone who is more likely to have genuine concern for you?  Is there at least a grain of truth to the criticism?  It is not enjoyable to be made aware of a weakness in one’s character or life skills, but that awareness may be a blessing in disguise. §      Be willing to learn from criticism.  Constructive criticism can be a powerful tool for change and growth.  Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”  Dealing maturely with criticism means first choosing to develop and maintain self-esteem internally instead of putting it in the public domain at the mercy of others.  Knowing and liking who you are makes it easier to evaluate others’ opinions because you will not automatically adopt them and you will not be in danger of devastation if someone’s criticism is true.  There is a fine line between being automatically dismissive of other people’s views and being affected by everything that people have to say.  Finding an objective, dispassionate balance is the key.