Bullying can be devastating to children and their families. A recent study of over 15,000 students in grades 6 – 10 found that 29.9 percent self-reported frequent bullying involvement, with 13 percent participating as a bully, 10.9 percent as a victim and six percent as both. Bullying has an enduring effect on both the victim and the bully. Victims of bullying are often rejected by their peers and are therefore at high risk of adjustment problems, depression and dropping out of school. The United States Department of Justice estimates that 160,000 students will stay home each day because of bullying. |
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One longitudinal study found that 37.5 percent of boys who were identified as bullies in grades 6 – 9 had three or more court convictions by age 24, compared to 10 percent for the control group of non-bullying boys. This is not to imply that girls are not bullies; while physical bullying is more common among boys, girls use more subtle forms, such as social alienation and rumor spreading.
Research has helped us understand the nature of bullies and how to prevent bullying. Conventional wisdom holds that bullies bully because they lack self-esteem and are insecure. On the contrary, researchers have found that bullies appear to suffer little anxiety and possess strong self-esteem. The primary motive is to gain attention, power and control. Bullying prevention used to focus on teaching youth how to stand up for themselves; we now know that the single most effective deterrent to bullying is an adult authority.
The Olweus Bullying Prevention Program, an evidence-based program developed by Norway’s Dr. Dan Olweus, has been implemented in many U. S. schools. Because parents are essential players in bullying prevention efforts, Dr. Olweus offers tips for detecting and dealing with bullying.
As a parent, you may suspect your child is being bullied, but are not quite sure. Common signs are if your child:
- Comes home with torn, damaged, or missing pieces of clothing, books or other belongings
- Has unexplained cuts, bruises or scratches
- Seems afraid of going to school, the journey to and from school or taking part in organized activities with peers
- Takes a long, illogical route when walking to or from school
- Has lost interest in school work or suddenly begins to do poorly in school
- Appears sad, moody or teary when he or she comes home from school
- Complains frequently of headaches, stomachaches or other physical problems
- Has trouble sleeping or has frequent bad dreams
- Experiences a loss of appetite
- Appears anxious and suffers from low self-esteem
If your child is being bullied at school, this can be a very painful experience for your child and your family. Here are some things you can do to support your child:
- Never tell your child to ignore the bullying.
- Don’t blame your child for the bullying or assume he or she did something to provoke the bullying.
- Tell your child that bullying is wrong, that it is not his fault, and that you are glad he had the courage to tell you about it.
- Do not encourage physical retaliation. If you disagree with how your child handled the bullying situation, don’t criticize her. It is often very difficult for children to know how best to respond.
- Check your emotions. A parent’s protective instincts stir strong emotions. Although it is difficult, step back and consider the next steps carefully.
- Keep a written record of all incidents that your child reports to you, including the name of the children involved, where and when the bullying occurred and what happened. Meet with your child’s teacher(s) and/or principal and explain your concerns in a friendly, nonconfrontational way. Find out what the school plans to do to investigate and stop the bullying, then follow up to track progress. Work closely with school personnel to help solve the problem.
- Encourage your child to develop interests and hobbies that will help build resiliency in difficult situations like bullying. Also encourage your child to make contact with friendly students to garner peer support.
- Teach your child safety strategies, such as how to seek help from an adult.
- Make sure your child has a safe and loving home environment. If your child needs additional help, contact the school guidance counselor or other school-based mental health professional.
If your child is the one doing the bullying, it will need to be stopped. Some things you can do at home to address the issue with your child:
- Make it very clear that you take bullying seriously and that it is absolutely not permitted.
- Make rules within your family for your child’s behavior. Praise your child for following the rules and use nonphysical and logical consequences when rules are broken. Logical consequences for bullying include losing the right to use a phone to call friends, the right to email friends or other activities your child enjoys.
- Spend lots of time with your child and keep close track of her activities. Find out who her friends are and where they spend their free time.
- Build on your child’s talents by encouraging him to get involved in positive activities.
- Share your concerns with your child’s teacher(s), guidance counselor and principal. Work together to send a clear message to your child that her bullying must stop.
It is not enough to urge the victims of bullying to stand up for themselves. School staff and parents must work collaboratively to stand up for vulnerable youth and take a stand against bullying. For more information on bullying, visit www.hazelden/olweus. |