One of the greatest problems in relationships is unhealthy boundaries. Healthy personal boundaries establish a space around you that gives you a sense of security and discourage physical or emotional encroachment. They are the physical, emotional and mental limits that define you as a separate individual with your own unique emotions, needs and values. They allow you to see others as separate individuals who have no right to control you, just as you have no right to control them. Healthy boundaries preserve our integrity, protect us and put us in charge of our own lives.
Some people have overdeveloped boundaries. They have few or no close relationships because they do whatever it takes – pick a fight or work too much – to avoid intimacy. They have a very difficult time identifying their needs, wants and feelings. Below are the characteristics of a person with too few/too weak boundaries and those of a person with healthy boundaries.
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1. Underdeveloped boundaries:
- You take responsibility for others’ feelings and problems, easily becoming emotionally overwhelmed.
- Your life is often chaotic and full of drama.
- You can’t say no because of a fear of rejection or abandonment.
- You have little or no balance of power or responsibility in your relationships; you tend to be either overly responsible and controlling or passive and dependent.
- You have a high tolerance for being treated abusively and with no respect.
- You compromise your values and beliefs in order to please others or avoid conflict.
2. Healthy boundaries
- You have a strong sense of identity and you respect yourself.
- You do not tolerate abuse or disrespect.
- You know yourself well and you communicate clearly your needs, wants and feelings in your relationships.
- You know that you are responsible for your own happiness and you allow others to be responsible for their own happiness.
- You expect shared responsibility and power in your relationships.
- You can say no and you respect others when they say no.
- You know when a problem is yours and when it belongs to someone else.
- You are able to negotiate and compromise, you have empathy for others, you respect diversity and your comfort with yourself makes those around you comfortable.
Boundary setting is not getting other people to change – it is about deciding what you will and will not tolerate any longer in your life and then communicating those limits firmly and consistently. It is also important to be mindful that you can only create healthy boundaries for yourself, not anyone else. The following are helpful tips for setting healthy boundaries, some modified from the book, Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin, by Anne Katherine:
- At first you may feel selfish or guilty when you set a boundary. Do it anyway, remembering that you have a right to take care of yourself without letting anxiety or low self-esteem get in the way.
- Begin setting boundaries with the easiest ones; let your communication and behavior get stronger before tackling the more difficult boundaries.
- When you need to set a boundary, do it clearly, without strong emotion, and in as few words as possible. Do not justify, apologize for, or rationalize the boundary you are setting. Just set the boundary calmly, firmly and respectfully. Be very specific about what it is you will not allow.
- Plan on being tested by anyone who is accustomed to controlling, manipulating or abusing you. Remain firm. If they refuse to cooperate, warn them of the consequences if they continue to disregard your boundary. In many cases it is wise to just walk away without getting angry or fighting. In some extreme cases, it may be necessary to get a restraining order and/or get help from law enforcement.
- Develop a support system of people who respect your right to set limitations in relationships. Ask someone whose boundaries you admire to help you. Eliminate toxic people from your life.
- Learning to set healthy boundaries takes time. It is a process you go through in your own time. You may want a counselor or a support group to help you set a pace and evaluate your progress.
I was once talking to a group of women who had experienced abuse in their relationships with men. They professed the belief that there are no healthy men, and when I disagreed, challenged me to tell them where these healthy men were. The answer was simple – they are with healthy women. No one is responsible for abuse but the abuser; however, it is critical to determine a way to avoid similar situations in the future. Very often this requires developing firmer limitations concerning what one will or will not tolerate.
Healthy boundaries create healthy relationships. Unhealthy boundaries attract those who will take advantage of them. It is never too late to establish boundaries that promote a healthy self-concept and stability and inspire more satisfying relationships. |