Dealing with Anger
Like all other emotions, anger is not right or wrong - it just IS. Yet it is often the most difficult emotion to process. Anger is a natural adaptive response to threats, inspiring powerful feelings and behaviors that allow us to defend ourselves. A certain amount of anger is necessary to our survival, but we cannot lash out at every person or object that annoys us without running afoul of laws, social norms, and common sense. People generally respond to anger in six different ways: stuffing, withdrawing, blaming, triangling, exploding, or problem solving.
Stuffers avoid, deny, or bury their anger. The danger is that not allowing an outward expression of the anger can direct the anger inward, causing a variety of ailments, including stomachaches, headaches, high blood pressure, and depression. Stuffed anger doesn't just disappear; it becomes inordinately potent and may come out later at the wrong person or situation. Withdrawers use passive-aggressive means to express their anger. They get back at the object of their anger in sneaky, indirect ways Blamers express their anger by blaming other people, by name-calling, or by putting other people down. They do not take responsibility for any of the situations that anger them, though they often contribute greatly to them. Trianglers rally the troops. Instead of expressing anger directly, they pull someone else in and try to get that person angry, too. Exploders explode by using physical violence or verbal attacks to express anger. Problem solvers admit that they are angry and evaluate themselves and the situation. Even if the problem is not solvable, they express their anger in ways that do not harm themselves or others so they can ultimately let it go. Problem solvers know the secret to dealing with any uncomfortable emotion: they insert thinking between the event and their response. In any anger-producing situation, there is a sequence: A. an event occurs B. you think about and interpret the event C. based on your thinking, you feel angry, and D. based on your anger, you respond. For example, if my friend cancels a dinner date without explanation and I tell myself she's being disrespectful and unreliable, I will feel angry and resentful and base my response accordingly. Someone else might think that something must have come up that the friend is not able to talk about, feel disappointed and concerned for the friend, and respond quite differently. It is critical to understand that, whether justified or not, it is the thinking that causes the anger, not the event itself. To deal constructively with anger, take time for the thinking part of the sequence. Tell the person with whom you are angry that you need time to think about what he or she said or did and respond later. Then incorporate the following questions into your thinking: 1. What am I feeling and why? If it's anger, then own it. But anger is usually a "second" emotion brought out to cover up a more vulnerable feeling, such as sadness, embarrassment, or, most often, fear - fear of abandonment, fear of physical harm, or fear of decreased power or esteem. Examine the roots of your anger, which may be entangled in people and events of your past. 2. What are the facts? Acknowledge that you may not have all the facts. People don't always say or do things just to tick us off - it's not always about "me." Walk all around the situation and think about other points of view. After reviewing all that was said or done, you may still feel angry, but you will be able to choose your response more reasonably. 3. What response do I choose? Maybe you've uncovered and must deal with a different underlying feeling. Maybe you've discovered that you are to blame as well, and choose to work on positively changing yourself. Maybe you've chosen to use the powerful and respectful "I" statement to express your anger: "I feel (name the feeling) when you (state the exact behavior without judgment) because (describe how it affects you). I would like (describe what you need from the person to resolve the issue)." Perhaps you will use humor to defuse a volatile situation but at the same time, get your point across. Whatever the choice, we all have personal responsibility for everything we say and do, regardless of what is said or done to us. Anger is a normal feeling. We cannot always control what we feel, but we certainly can control what we choose to do about those feelings.