Alcoholism is a family disease; according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, alcoholism is responsible for more family problems than any other single cause. And while research abounds about alcoholism, information regarding its effects on the seventy-six million Americans who been exposed to alcoholism in the family is less available.
Alcoholism brings chaos into the family system and family members typically step into roles that help hide the problem, project the image of a “perfect family,” and maintain family functioning levels. The common roles are:
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- The Caretaker. Usually a parent, this person tends to everyone’s needs in order to maintain appropriate appearances to the outside world. This person tends to ignore his or her own needs and others cannot bond to the caretaker in the midst of constant bustles of activity.
- The Hero. This role is usually bestowed to the child who excels in academics, arts or athletics. The hero raises the esteem of the family to compensate for the alcoholic’s behavior.
- The Scapegoat. The scapegoat is blamed for the family’s problems, deflecting the spotlight from the real problem – the alcoholic.
- The Mascot. This child is the class clown and the most popular member of the family. His or her role is to provide laughter to a humorless state of affairs.
- The Lost Child. This child disappears from family activities, spending a lot of time watching television or alone in his or her bedroom. His or her purpose is to be low maintenance and not place any demands on an already taxed family system.
These roles may be switched to accommodate an alteration in the family system. For example, a lost child may find him-or herself in the scapegoat role if the original scapegoat leaves the home. All of the family members tend to facilitate the drinking in order to prevent negative consequences. A loved one may buy the alcohol so the alcoholic won’t drink and drive or call the hungover alcoholic in sick. While well meaning, these enabling behaviors prevent the alcoholic from accountability and promote continued drinking.
Children of alcoholics learn basic family survival tactics: don’t talk, don’t trust and don’t feel. These tactics are often employed into adulthood and affect the following generations whether or not alcoholism is present. Many adult children of alcoholics (ACoAs) continue to either deny there was ever a family problem or deny that the dysfunction affected them in any way. However, for healing to occur, the negative effects of the alcohol abuse must be acknowledged. In “A Primer on Adult Children of Alcoholics,” author Dr. Timmen Cermak lists many common characteristics of ACoAs, among them:
- Fear of losing control. ACoAs try to control the feelings and behaviors of themselves and others, not from a desire to be hurtful, but because of fear and anxiety of not being in control.
- Fear of feelings. Having buried emotions for years, particularly sadness and anger, ACoAs lose the ability to express them. Any intense feeling, even a good one, causes anxiety.
- Overdeveloped sense of responsibility. ACoAs’ self-esteem comes from others, resulting in a need to appear perfect and to tend excessively to the needs of others.
- Guilt feelings. ACoAs feel guilty if they tend to their own needs and desires.
- Inability to relax. The hypervigilence needed to survive in childhood is difficult to abandon in adulthood.
- Difficulty with intimate relationships. Intimacy represents lack of control and a frightening obligation to express feelings. Because they tend to confuse love and pity, ACoAs gravitate toward unhealthy relationships with people they can pity and rescue. In addition, their fear of abandonment causes them to cling to even the unhealthiest relationships.
- Compulsive behaviors. Overworking, overeating, over consumption of drugs or alcohol or other compulsive behaviors are common.
- Tendency to emotional and physical complaints. ACoAs suffer higher rates of stress related illness (migraine headaches, ulcers, etc.) than the general population. Because the alcoholic family does not tolerate intensely uncomfortable feelings, children in such homes rarely grieve their losses and subsequently experience depression.
These characteristics should be viewed as descriptions and not as harsh judgments. Anyone, with time and dedication, can break the cycle of destruction caused by alcoholism or other family dysfunctions. ACoAs can educate themselves about this topic and become involved in Al-anon meetings or individual therapy. Know that, as an adult, you have the right to talk about these issues, the right to experience and express your emotions, and the opportunity to learn new skills to replace the old coping skills that are no longer functional.
Al-anon and Alateen 1.888.425.2666 (M – F, 8 am – 6 pm)
Alcoholics Anonymous 1.800.870.3795
Local treatment resources:
L & P Services, Inc.
207A Colegate Drive
Marietta, OH 45750
(740) 376-0930
Southern Ohio Solutions, Inc.
329 Third Street
Marietta, OH 45750
(740) 374-3455 |