"I" statements are the simplest, yet most powerful
tool I know for de-escalating conflicts and creating a respectful atmosphere
in which to solve them. The format of an "I" statement is:
I feel__________when you___________because______________. I would like_________________.
While the format is fairly self-explanatory, it is important to understand
why it is so effective and how to fill in the blanks to produce the best
results.
- "I feel______."
These two words are perhaps the most potent de-escalators of the statement.
By saying, "I feel," instead of "You make me feel,"
and pointing the finger of blame, you are taking responsibility for
your own feelings. No one can MAKE you feel any emotion. What angers
you may not anger others and what produces fear in others may seem
non-threatening to you. We all arrive at our feelings as a result
of our life experiences and the way we view the world.
The words "I feel" are also instrumental in lowering conflict
because they cannot be challenged. Feelings are not right or wrong,
they are just there. You won't hear a credible person say, "Oh,
you do NOT feel angry!" But a credible person could challenge
with validity that he or she MADE you feel a certain way and the conflict
would be further detonated instead of defused.
Be as honest and specific as possible when inserting the feeling you
have. When identifying your underlying feeling, avoid vague words
like "bad" and "upset."
- "When you_______."
Filling in this blank can be a land mine if you insert opinions instead
of fact or choose words that trigger additional conflict. For example,
you would be more likely to reach peaceable resolution by saying,
"I feel angry when you tell James something I specifically asked
you not to tell him," than by saying, "I feel angry when
you sneak behind my back and blab all of my secrets to James."
If you state only precisely what happened, it is not arguable.
- "Because________."
Tell the other person how his or her behavior has affected you. For
example: "…because it makes it hard for me to trust you."
Or "…because it seems like you don't respect me." This
helps the other person to understand the direct result of what he
or she has said or done. It is easy for people to become so caught
up in their own worldview that they do not see how their actions affect
others.
- "I would like_______."
People usually want to know what they can do to help remedy the situation,
but can only
guess. No one can read your mind. Tell the other person what you need
to happen to resolve
the conflict. Make the request reasonable and doable. Asking for the
moon and stars will set you up for disappointment and leave little
room for resolution.
Scenario: You and a friend have opened a small business together as
equal partners. Your friend is chronically late and often leaves the
shop to run personal errands. Here are two "I" statements:
- "I feel upset when you get too lazy to come to work on time
and then go gallivanting off to do
personal stuff because it feels like you are dumping everything on
me. I would like for you to be on time every day and always do half
of the work."
- I feel angry when you arrive an hour late for work and then leave
to get your hair cut because it leaves me with more work than I am
able to handle. I would like for us to plan ways to divide our responsibilities
equally."
The first statement is not very effective. "Upset" is not
specific, there are incendiary words involved, and the request is uncompromising.
The second statement would be more effective because it states a specific
feeling and the specific behavior that is a problem. The request is
reasonable and encourages mutual problem solving.
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