Keeping the Peace at Home


You worked overtime at the office. You arrive home to find the house in shambles. Family members are, variously, snoring on the couch, watching TV, surfing the Internet, and playing The Price is Right with your canned goods. Your spouse asks, "What's for dinner?" Your sixteen year-old has a new best friend who could be the poster child for Juvenile Court. When you tell him that he may not go to this fellow's party because you have reason to believe alcohol will be served, he accuses you of being unfair and untrusting. The anger thermometer is bubbling.
    These are not exactly Kodak moments, but they are examples of the family conflicts we face in our homes daily. Conflict is unavoidable. It is present in our homes every day in every way, shape, and form. It can be nonfunctional, breeding angry and disrespectful family relationships, or functional, fostering stronger family unity and understanding. The outcome is not governed by the conflict itself, but by the response. This poses enormous responsibility to us as parents, because our children are developing conflict management styles that mimic our own. If you want to raise children who pout, scream, and use physical force when they are in conflict, then do those things yourself.

If you want your children to be respectful and skilled problem-solvers when facing conflict, then give them a priceless, lifelong gift: develop and model a repertoire of peaceable resolution skills .

  • Anticipate. Much of our frustrations can be avoided by identifying potential conflicts. Did you really think that when you came home from the office the house would be clean and dinner on the table? Is your teenage son going to say, "Hey, Dad and Mom, if you hear that any of my friends are having beer at their parties, could you let me know? I want to avoid that scene at all costs!" Plan ahead: work out a duty roster with your family and include logical consequences for noncompliance. Set firm guidelines about acceptable and unacceptable social activities before your children are teens.
  • Look inward first. Do you need to cool off before attempting resolution? Is your goal to humiliate or get revenge, or is it to seek solutions in a respectful manner? Do you need to be in control or are you willing to listen to and learn from other family members? Check out your own internal climate.
  • Separate the deed from the doer. Attack the behavior, not the person. This demonstrates that your love is unconditional, not just available when your family is doing and saying things that meet with your approval.
  • Clarify who owns the problem. If the conflict is between other family members, let them resolve it; it is exhausting to do otherwise. Children can be given ground rules, such as no name-calling, no interrupting or other disrespectful behavior. They need to learn how to solve their own problems to develop healthy self-esteem and confidence.
  • Say "I" first. There is a huge difference between "You make me angry!" and "I feel angry." The "you" statement points an accusatory finger, implies that the other person is somehow responsible for your feelings, and escalates the conflict. The "I" statement points the finger at your own heart, acknowledges ownership of your own feelings, and is indisputable.
  • Try reversing roles. Ask the person you are in conflict with to literally change physical places with you and take turns stating each other's position as if you were that other person. Role reversals tend to be humorous, and humor is often a wonderful resolution tool.

Functional conflict builds stronger family bonds, respect, and growth. The good news is that the outcome of all family conflicts depends on something we get to choose - the manner in which we respond.

Back / Home