| The simple question that ultimately changed my life in many ways was posed during a Family Counseling course. The instructor asked, "If you received a call from the police in the middle of the night saying that your teenager was in jail for public intoxication, would you run to get him/her out?" My immediate thought was that of course, I would. The follow-up question was, "Why?" My classmates and I responded that we did not want our teenagers to be scared, be harassed, be worried, sleep uncomfortably, and on and on. As the discussion continued, the most important question emerged: |
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Am I more interested in my and my child's immediate comfort or in my child learning a valuable lesson about what happens when he behaves badly or makes a poor choice? Scurrying around to lessen or remove someone else's consequences or assuming responsibility for someone else's problems is enabling, a harmful form of "helping" that encourages the intended recipient of the "help" to remain locked into his or her poor choices and behaviors. Enabling scenarios unfold day after day, in our homes, schools, and workplaces. Mary calls her daughter off sick from school, even though she knows that the daughter just doesn't want to take an important test for which she has not studied. Jim loans his brother $500 to pay his rent, even though the brother still owes Jim from the last "loan" and just recently bought a brand new car that even Jim could not afford. What lessons have been learned? Mary's daughter has learned that if she does not take responsibility for her school work, her mother will cover for her. Jim's brother knows that he does not have to be responsible with his money because Jim will pay his bills. The profile of enablers would suggest that they are
just good-hearted folks who would give you the shirt off their
back. They are caretakers, constantly putting other people's
needs and wants ahead of their own and feeling responsible for
the well-being of others. But beneath this veneer of selflessness
is a bit of selfishness. Enablers are approval-seekers, measuring
their self-worth by the approval of others. They have a hard
time setting limits, but it is not entirely out of kindness.
It is also for their own sense of worthiness and importance. The key to moving beyond enabling behavior is to detach, to mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically disengage ourselves from unhealthy entanglements with other people's responsibilities and problems. If family or friends have created disasters for themselves, let them face the proverbial music. Set healthy boundaries that are respectful of your needs and the need of others to learn from their mistakes and become wise from them. And because it is sometimes difficult to separate enabling from being truly helpful, ask these questions:
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