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A friend once related the true story of a little boy whose
grandmother had recently died. His parents noticed some new
and peculiar behaviors in the boy; he insisted on leaving the
light off when he was in the bathroom and after bathing he would
immediately wrap himself in a towel, run to his bedroom, and
jump under the covers to get dressed. When his mother asked
him about this, he replied, "Mom, you said that Grandma
is still with me and I don't want her to see me without any clothes
on." This story illustrates that we adults have much to
learn about helping children through their journey of grief and
mourning. |
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The specific reasons why many bereaved children have difficulty
with mourning in healthy ways are numerous and complicated.
Research indicates that the potential consequences of this inhibited
or postponed mourning are serious: symptoms of chronic depression,
low self-esteem, academic failure or general indifference to
school, deterioration of relationships with family and friends,
"acting out" behaviors (for example, drug and alcohol
abuse and fighting), and symptoms of chronic anxiety. With the
admirable desire to be helpful to bereaved children comes the
responsibility to distinguish facts from fiction. Many well-meaning
adults are the victims of the following widely held myths regarding
children and grief:
- Grief and mourning are the same experience.
Grief is the internal experience, the thoughts and feelings
within the child when a loved one has died. Mourning is "grief
gone public," the outward expression of grief. Children
are referred to as the "forgotten mourners"; they
do grieve but are not always encouraged to outwardly express
their grief through words, play, or rituals.
Adults should be able to instantly teach
children about spirituality and death. I have heard
adults explain death to children in vague, pat terms… "She's
only gone to sleep, honey." Or "He's still with us,
dear. We just can't see him." While intending to spare
the child additional pain, these explanations may serve to deny
honest feelings and to confuse the child. We can only teach what
we believe and be careful not to expect too much of ourselves
in this difficult area. Whatever the spiritual beliefs, children
must be helped to understand that the person has died and cannot
come back.
¨ There is a predictable and orderly progression in grief
and mourning. As caring
adults, we only get ourselves into trouble when we try
to prescribe what a child's grief
and mourning experiences should be. A variety of unique
thoughts, feelings, and
behaviors will be experienced by each individual child
as part of the healing process. An
attitude that allows the child to be the expert on
his or her own bereavement is this:
"Teach me about your grief and I will follow the
lead you provide and attempt to be a
stabilizing, loving support to you."
- A child's grief and mourning is short
in duration. The goal is to help bereaved children "get
over it." This myth demonstrates our impatience
with the work of grief and mourning. Many adults do not understand
that grief and mourning is a process, not an event. The work
is done in increments and is revisited throughout our lives.
We can be going about our business and be gripped with a "grief
burst" years after the loved one has died. No, we don't
"get over" grief, but we do learn to reconstruct our
lives and reconcile the loss. We can say to children, "Life
will never be exactly the same without your loved one, but it
can be good again and there can be joy in your life."
In addition to its Bereavement Support Groups for adults,
Home Nursing Service & Hospice will this month begin offering
"Good Grief," a free, 6-week support group program
for bereaved children. The program includes education and support
for parents in helping their children grieve and mourn. For
more information, contact Ginny Olff or Joanne O'Brien at 373-8549.
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