Assertiveness Situation: You order your steak medium-well and the waitress brings it rare. Would you: A. Say nothing. Cut it up and move the pieces around so the waitress won't know you aren't eating it. B. Create a scene. Demand to see the manager. Let everyone know you don't have time to wait for a new steak. C. Calmly ask for the steak to be cooked as you requested. Situation: Your friend, Louise, seems to chronically run behind time. The last two times she has asked for a ride she hasn't been ready. She calls today and asks if you can give her a ride to a meeting tonight. Would you: A. Say, "Sure, no problem," and hope she's ready. B. Refuse. Remind her how rude and inconsiderate she's been by making you wait. C. Tell Louise that you'll be at her house at 6:30 and if she is ready, she can ride with you. Otherwise, you will go on without her. These two scenarios demonstrate the three basic interpersonal styles: passive (choice A), aggressive (choice B), and assertive (choice C). In the passive style, opinions and feelings are withheld. The underlying message is "I'm wrong and inferior; you are right and superior." The advantages of the passive style are that it minimizes personal responsibility for making decisions and eliminates the risk of taking a stand. But passivity creates a sense of powerlessness and low self-esteem. In the aggressive style, opinions and feelings are openly expressed, but at the expense of others. The underlying message is " I'm superior and right; you're inferior and wrong." Aggression may allow a person to get what he or she wants, but few people actually like a bully.
The assertive style allows one to clearly express opinions and feelings without stepping on the rights of others. The underlying message is "You and I are equally entitled to express ourselves to one another." The advantages are numerous - the satisfaction of being an active influence regarding decisions that affect one's life, self-validation of one's right to express opinions and feelings, and greater respect for self and others.
Certainly our interpersonal styles are influenced by traditional assumptions in the formative years. Children may assume that their needs and opinions are not important and grow up doubting themselves and looking to others for guidance. Conversely, children may assume that their wants are of ultimate importance and the only way to get what they want is to overpower others. The good news is that, regardless of those early assumptions, we can choose to become assertive adults. "The Relaxation & Stress Reduction Workbook," (Davis, Eshelman, and McKay) describes the LADDER strategy for learning assertiveness. •  L ook at your rights, what you want and need, and your feelings about the situation. Let go of blame, self-pity, and the desire to hurt the other person. Define your goal before you negotiate for change. •  A rrange to discuss the situation at a time and place convenient to you and the other person. Instead of immediately collapsing or attacking, give yourself the time to think about the most appropriate time and environment to approach the issue. •  D efine the situation - be specific. Avoid editorial comments and pointing a finger. For example, instead of, "You've made me late several times. You're rude and inconsiderate!" try, "Twice I came to pick you up at 6:30 and you were not ready. Both times we arrived at the meeting 15 minutes late." •  D escribe your feelings and take ownership of them. Instead of, "You make me frustrated and angry!" try "I feel frustrated and angry when you ignore my wish to be on time." •  E xpress your request. Other people are not responsible for reading your mind and knowing what you want to happen. State your request firmly but respectfully. The passive response might be, "I hope we get to the meeting on time." The aggressive response might be, "Be ready or else!" The assertive response could be, "Louise, I want you to be ready when I come to pick you up." •  R einforce your request. The best reinforcement is to describe the positive consequence ("If you are ready at 6:30 we can ride together"), but sometimes it is ineffective. If you reinforce with a negative consequence, describe the alternative way you will take care of the situation if your wishes are ignored ("I will go on to the meeting without you."). Assertiveness means you can stand up for your rights without violating others' rights, you can express your personal opinions and preferences comfortably, you can respectfully disagree with someone, and you can say no. In short, assertiveness allows us to be more relaxed and confidant in all of our personal interactions and relationships.